I was
waiting around
for Santa
to come,
hoping my
presents were better
than last
year’s Fruit Stripe gum.
I heard
shouting
out in my
driveway
and
thought now I have to go
give
someone five the hard way.
I opened
my door too quick
scaring
the fur off my cat.
I saw a
man staggering,
he looked
drunk, dirty and fat.
“Hey”, I
yelled,
making him
jump.
“Holy
shit!” he exclaimed
before
falling in a lump.
“Santa? Is
that you?”
I asked
carefully.
“Of course
it is you idiot,”
he shouted
back, scaring me.
I helped
him to his feet
and
brushed off his coat.
“That’s
not for you,” he said
after
seeing me staring at his goat.
“What
happened?” I asked.
“You look
awful.”
He started
swearing in 5 languages
giving me
an earful.
“Some
lunatic shot at me
with a
rifle I gave him.
He was
drinking peach schnapps
and
snorting cinnamon.”
“What’s
wrong with people,” he continued.
“Why can’t
they be grateful?
I don’t
want to give out coal,
That’s
hateful.”
“I try to
be fat and jolly,
laughing
and grinning,
but people
piss me off
and I want
to send them spinning.”
“Thanks
for letting me spout off,”
Santa said
tiredly.
Then he
whistled and his reindeer
leapt from
the tree they were caught in.
“I have
something for you,” he said to me
reaching
into the back of his sleigh.
He handed
me a package
as big as
a bale of hay.
“Wait
until I’m gone to unwrap it,
Enjoy and
thanks for your help.”
With that
he yelled “Onward”
and the
reindeer were off with a jump.
When he
was gone
I opened
my shiny new box.
Inside I
found
A year’s
worth of underwear and socks.
“What the
hell?”
I
exclaimed.
“This is
what I get
for
putting out your flames?”
Then I
heard Santa’s voice,
loud and
booming,
“You’re
lucky you got anything.
I see what
you do when no one is looking.”
“Damn,” I
muttered,
wishing I
had a stick of gum.
I went
back inside
feeling
kind of glum.
I put on
my new socks
and felt
better.
If only I
also had
an ugly
Christmas sweater.
Merry
Christmas
