Monday, January 25, 2016

John Kasich in No Man's Land

Did you know John Kasich is still in the presidential race?

Did you know John Kasich was in the race at all?

Do you know who John Kasich is?

These and more important questions will be answered in today’s edition of “Why are you running for president?”

John Kasich is the governor of Ohio. He’s currently polling at 6% for the presidential race. That’s out of 100. So 94% of decided voters have rejected John Kasich but he’s OK with that because of another number. 40% of independent voters in New Hampshire haven’t made up their mind yet. John apparently believes he’s going to convince all 40% to vote for him which is what it will take for him to overtake racist lump of mashed potatoes Donald Trump.

Those independent voters aren’t as independent as they want you to think they are. They say “I don’t know who to vote for yet”, but my bet is the majority have made up their mind and it will be for one of the front-runners. To be contrary and convince their neighbors they’re the last of a dying breed, they’ll harrumph and pettifog until Election Day and then cast their ballot for Trump or pizza box grease spot Ted Cruz.

Once again I believe you need name recognition before you run for president and Kasich doesn’t have it. At this point Trump has blared his vile rhetoric like a foghorn through a stack of Marshall amps for months. Ted Cruz has slithered into the hearts and minds of people who are dead inside and infested their thinking like mad cow disease to the tune of double digit support. Ben Carson has put a fine edge on his dullness by spewing batshit crazy slime trails of wisdom on social media that has somehow vaulted him into a distant 3rd.

And then there’s everyone else which includes John Kasich. Sorry guvnor, you’ve been rejected and are now yet another vain man wasting time and money on a pipe dream.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Campaign of Martin O’Malley: Move Along, Nothing to See Here

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley recently held an “event” in Iowa where one person showed up. They chatted for a while and even with one-on-one attention he still couldn’t convince the gentleman to vote for him. I imagine it went something like this:

O’Malley: Hey, thank you for coming out in this bad weather.
Voter: I’m not voting for you.
O’Malley: Uh, ok . . .
Voter: I’m here ‘cause ya got muffins.
O’Malley: Muffins?
Voter: I like muffins. Blueberry.
O’Malley: All right.
Voter: What’s your name again?
O’Malley: Martin O’Malley.
Voter: Could you pass the butter Marty? I like butter on my muffins.
O’Malley: Sure.
Voter: The wife won’t let me have butter.
O’Malley: Here you go.
Voter: You got any marmalade?
O’Malley: Security!

I knew the day that O’Malley announced his candidacy that this is where we would end up. There are only a handful of politicians who are national names and O’Malley isn’t one of them. I haven’t even seen one person who lived in Maryland when he was governor who says they would vote for him. Again I ask, where does the hubris of these men come from? How much money that could have gone to a charitable use has been wasted because of Martin O’Malley’s ego?

I didn’t watch any of the debates but I’ve heard people say O’Malley acquitted himself nicely at times. But at this stage that’s not enough to defeat the comedy team of Hillary and Bernie. Or Bernie and Hillary. The billing seems to change on a daily basis. Martin O’Malley’s not even the opening act. He’s the guy who performs for free on the boardwalk hoping a few voters will throw a dollar in his hat after his treatise on immigration, and then stick around for his gun control closer.

I read that in the last debate a few days ago there was a question that both Bernie and Hillary were allowed to fully answer but before O’Malley could answer NBC cut to a commercial. They forgot he was part of the debate.

Director: Annnnnd . . . go to commercial.
Assistant: What about the other guy’s answer?
Director: What other guy?
Assistant: The tall one on stage behind a podium.
Director: How did he get on stage? Security!
Assistant: I think he’s running . . .
Director: He can run but he can’t hide.
Assistant: Never mind . . .

He’s on a stage and no one can see him. He speaks into a microphone but no one can hear his voice. This is Martin O’Malley’s candidacy.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Goodbye George Pataki

Over the past few weeks I took a break from the presidential candidates to enjoy my Christmas and New Year celebrations. Now that the bunting has all been taken down, the empty boxes have been given to the toddlers and cats and restaurant gift cards burned through so we could eat something besides turkey, mashed potatoes and rum balls, its back to normal life.

Sadly it seems the presidential campaigns are still going on and not much has changed. It’s the same lying, bloviating and unartful bullshit. And that’s just Donald Trump. Who knows what the other candidates are doing. Seriously, who knows? The news doesn’t cover anyone else. If Ted Cruz locked himself in a missile silo in North Dakota and declared himself Grand Poobah of the Black Hills we wouldn’t know because the networks would be covering Trump snipping his toe nails before bed.

We lost another candidate recently. George Pataki killed his campaign. Well, voter apathy killed his campaign. The fact that almost no one knew he was running killed his chances. Supposedly he had a team working for him but no one has come forward to admit to it. There was an announcement made when he chose to run, reportedly, but I doubt it. I mean I saw the press conference when Lincoln “Hello Rhode Island” Chaffee announced he was running but I didn’t see a video, photo or daguerreotype of Pataki’s announcement.

 I think in George’s mind he was running for President, but he forgot to tell everyone else. The speeches he allegedly gave? I believe he was in his basement surrounded by his grandchildren’s stuffed animals, standing on an overturned laundry basket laying out his plan for immigration reform. I hear the elephant and Elmo walked out to go see Carly Fiorina in her pantry discussing gun control to cans of peas and corn.

George is another in a too-long line of men wasting time and money on a dream they had no chance of attaining. None of these failed campaigns are surprises. I don’t understand the folly of these men. Are their egos so massive they can’t see the Petrified Forest for America’s dismissal of their electability? Most of them have committees to explore whether running is viable. What do these committees say to them? Don’t any of them have the courage to tell the truth?

“Yeah, George, see it’s like this. Almost no one, and I mean NO ONE, knows who you are. And those that do . . . won’t vote for you. So . . . Murray and I are going to take off, grab a bite to eat, maybe catch a movie before polishing up the resumes. These past few days have been fun, and, good luck not running for President.”

Goodbye George Pataki, we hardly knew you. And apparently we didn’t want to.