Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Dentist with the Golden Drill

I had an appointment at the dentist yesterday to get a few cavities filled. They asked me if I wanted it numbed. Do I want it numbed? Sir, I want so much Novocain that I can’t feel my entire head. I want to be so numb I can’t feel the soles of my feet. Mr. Dentist, I want military grade hallucinogenics so while you work on my teeth, I will be floating through a sky made of chocolate syrup while half unicorn/half Ritz cracker creatures feed me polyethylene lollipops and Wonder Woman gives me a pedicure with a walrus-sized Dremel tool.

I don’t like the dentist
I didn’t like him when I was five
I wouldn’t like him in a hive
I didn’t like him at ten
I wouldn’t like it if their name was Ben, Jen or Ken
I didn’t like him when I was fifteen
I wouldn’t like him if he was Charlie Sheen
I didn’t like him at twenty
I wouldn’t like him on a levee
I didn’t like him at twenty five
I would not like him on a cattle drive
I didn’t like him when I was thirty
I wouldn’t like him if his name was Gertie
I’m telling you I don’t like going to the dentist
I didn’t like it when I turned thirty five
I wouldn’t like it covered in chives
I hated it when I was forty
I wouldn’t like it even if I could think of a good rhyme for forty
I still didn’t like it at forty five
I won’t like it on Seti Alpha 5 (Nerd Alert: Star Trek reference! Nerd Alert: Star Trek reference!)
Now I’m forty seven
And I simply don’t like going to the %$#^&* dentist!

My apologies to Dr. Seuss and my dentist who’s actually a really nice guy and does a great job on my decrepit teeth.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Was it Something I Said?

Twice in the past months I have submitted to an online publication only to see them go out of business shortly after. These were not fly-by-night zines; one was in business for 4 years and the other for 6 putting out 36 issues. I’m starting to wonder if it’s me. Here is my cover letter to the first publication:

Dear Sirs:
I have included 3 poems for you to consider. They are brilliant and most likely beyond your comprehension. If you do not publish them I swear to God I will find where you live, sell tickets to the neighbors and let them watch while I burn your house to the ground. Have a great day!

I was direct and to the point, didn’t waste the editor’s time and wished him well at the end. I think this was the perfect introduction. Here is one I sent a few weeks ago:

I have attached a file containing several poems for you to consider. Work this transcendent cannot not be showcased properly in a publication as low brow as yours but I still believe it’s in your best interests to print them. Good luck in your future endeavors. You’ll need it if you reject my poems.

Again, I think I did an admirable job and this time a threat was only implied. I don’t see the problem, but the magazine decided to stop publishing days after I submitted.

I went through my records and noticed a disturbing trend back as far as 1993 when I had a story called “Taking Jenny Seriously” accepted but the magazine went out of business just before they were to print it. I found this note I wrote to them:

I see you have finally come to your senses. I will now release your cat Pipsy.

Hmm. I guess I should have held onto the cat a while longer. The following year my story “Magic Hands” was accepted, but again, the zine in question went out of business right before my story was to be printed. I had written this to the editor:

Sir, it is with profound disinterest that I accept your acceptance of my story Magic Hands. I have accepted that being accepted by a publication such as yours is a necessary step to acceptance by a higher class of magazine for which I would like to be accepted.

I was drinking a lot of cough syrup at this time. A particularly maddening example happened in 2000. Three of my poems were accepted by a small zine. Before the publication date arrived I had to withdraw one of them. This angered the editor to the point where she decided not to publish any of them. I won’t reprint here the whole letter I sent her but it included the phrases “drop your ashes back down into the pit of hell” and “if you regain consciousness”.

I’m beginning to think it’s something I said.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Oh, That Mitt

We interrupt this episode of “Idiots Doing Stupid Shit in Front of a Camera and Braying like Jackasses” for this special report. We go now live to correspondent Cueball Bumbersnoot. Cueball?

“Thank you Ferdinand. I am standing outside of Republican headquarters here in Washington D.C. where we have received word that Mitt Romney has said something stupid. We do not, I repeat, do not yet know what he said, but my sources say it was quite ignorant. As I speak we have people behind the scenes trying to verify just how stupid the remark was in comparison to other dopey things the presidential nominee has said like when he said “My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs.” You can imagine how cumbersome an undertaking this is considering the many absolutely asinine things Mr. Romney has uttered over the last few months such as “I like being able to fire people.”

Cueball, this is Ferdinand Magellan in the studio again, can you tell the listeners where Mr. Romney was when he made his latest gaffe?

“I can’t Ferdinand. Unfortunately we are only minutes into this scandal and it appears that in a desperate grab for ratings we have gone on the air woefully unprepared.”

It’s been well documented that he’s made a gaffe at nearly every campaign event this election cycle like when he said “Corporations are people.”

“That’s true Ferdy. It’s very hard for Mr. Romney to open his mouth without making a ridiculous statement and when he doesn’t; his wife complies with one of her own.”

Isn’t it also true that Mr. Romney’s surrogates have made missteps, such as the etch-a-sketch incident?

“Yes Ferd, that’s right. We do have good information that this time it is in fact Mr. Romney himself who has put his foot in his mouth, Oxford dress shoe and all. I am hearing now that although we don’t have the exact quote it is being called dumber than when he said “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America  millions of Americans believe in.” but not as bad as when he said “I am not concerned about the very poor.”

Any idea when you will have details, Cueball?

No idea at all Ferdman. As I said, we ran with this story way too soon. I shouldn’t even be on the air right now.

Thank you Cueball Bumbersnoot. We now return to our regularly scheduled program, “Morons on Parade.”

Monday, June 11, 2012

Not Ready for NPR

Now that Car Talk is ending on NPR I figure they will be looking for replacement shows. This is my first attempt called Bad Movie Talk.

CO: Welcome to Bad Movie Talk.
Caller 1: Thanks. This is Brad from Demoines, Iowa. I have a date this weekend and I want to rent a bad movie. What should I go with?
CO: Except for Pelican Brief and Ocean’s 11, anything with Julia Roberts in it. The movie is guaranteed to be at the very least cloying and irritating but your date will love it because chicks dig Julia. Next caller.
Caller 2: Hi, this is Denise from Overland Park Kansas. My boyfriend wanted to prove to me that Adam Sandler could make anything funny so we rented Punch Drunk Love. I didn’t get it.
CO: First off, your boyfriend’s an idiot. Punch Drunk Love is not a comedy, not that any movie Sandler is in is funny but PDL was meant to be a drama. This was Sandler’s attempt to show the world he could do more than fart jokes, but he failed. The movie is awful. Next caller.
Caller 3: Greetings. My name is Howard Loveland and I am from Bozeman Montana.
CO: What can I do for you Howard?
Caller 3: I am a very dull person and I like dull things, such as the Weather Channel and the music of Kenny G. Could you recommend a movie that will bore the life out of me?
CO: Howard my friend, get ready to feel like you’re under sedation when you rent and play The Brown Bunny. The first ten minutes is nothing but a motorcycle race which you watch from a distance as if you were in the stands so you can’t even tell what the hell is going on. Then we get to see the racer put his bike in his van and drive away. I hope you like the view of the open road from the front of a van because you get 30-40 minutes of it in The Brown Bunny. And don’t worry about following the plot Howard. There isn’t one! Next caller.
Caller 4: This is Janine from Sacramento. I don’t like science fiction but my young son loves it. Is there a sci-fi movie I could show him that would kill his love of the genre?
CO: Actually there are any number of films that would fit the bill Janine but I’m going to recommend one from 1956 called Fire Maidens of Outer Space. A bunch of astronauts go on a mission to the 13th moon of Jupiter and find the lost civilization of Atlantis thriving there. Sound stupid? It is! The rest of the movie is people talking, girls dancing badly and a “monster” that is supposed to frighten you but just makes you feel sad for the actor that had to play him.

I’m also developing other shows called Let’s Talk Condiments, Everyone Loves Air Conditioning, and How Many Things Taste Better with Salt?

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This Blog is Brought to You By . . .

The National Association of Organizations and Alliances (NAOA) released a report today stating that there are now over 1.5 million organizations, associations, alliances and research think tanks in the United States.

“We were stunned at the sheer number of organizations that have formed in the just the last 12 months,” said NAOA president Mortimer Frangelica. “The number of think tanks has gone down as the country gets stupider but organizations and alliances are way up.”

These numbers, however, are being disputed by General Howland Misercordia of the American Alliance of Associations and Organizations (AAAO). “Our research shows a clear drop in the formation of new groups over the past 24 months. It’s very discouraging.” The General went on to say that his organization has been starting a grass roots campaign to encourage people to form groups of any kind. “We feel it’s a valuable activity and would like to see it grow again.”

Not everyone agrees. Franklin Popgoestheweasel, founder of the Mid-Atlantic Alliance for Organizational Group Formation (MAAOGF) believes there are already too many formal organizations in the United States. “It’s ridiculous. My damn kids are filing paperwork as we speak for a new alliance and there 7 and 9.”

Melissa Heywatchit and Gordon Spub, co-creators of the Alliance for Associations, Organizations, Foundations, Think Tanks, Research Funds and Charitable Trusts (AAOFTTRFCT) believe that only a group with a clear charter should be given government grants. “There are so many fly-by-night organizations applying for grants that there isn’t enough money left for legitimate groups like ours,” Spub said. Added his partner, “We started AAOFTTRFCT out of my garage and now we meet in a Dairy Queen. That’s legitimacy.”

The largest group of this kind in America is of course The National United American Organization for the Alliance and Association of Foundations, Funds, Charities, Trusts, Research Grants, Think Tanks, Booster Clubs, Shriners and Circus Performers (NUAOAAFFCTRGTTBCSCP). President Lafferty O’Gilligan declined to comment for this article.