Friday, April 27, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
I had to buy new shoes this weekend. I work in an office environment so they needed to be “business casual” and they needed to be relatively inexpensive because I had already spent $52 and my left nut on a tank of gas. Seriously, when are we going to drop the oil speculators on a deserted island and let Ted Nugent hunt them for sport? I think that’s a reality show we can all get behind.
I went to Kmart. I don’t go there often but they have a good selection of nice, decently priced footwear. I found a pair of brown Thom McCann’s that was my exact size, 9.5 wide. Finding wide shoes at a department store can be a miracle along the lines of at least one movie a week coming out that doesn’t revolve around vampires. Considering myself Mr. Lucky I sat down to try them on. Let’s just say Mr. Thom McCann needs lessons in sizing shoes.
My size is 9.5 wide, always has been, still will be on December 21, 2012 when the Mayan calendar kills all of us in an Irwin Allen production. With this shoe I was able to get my big toe and a sliver of my arch inside. Shaking my head, I pulled a 10 wide off the shelf. This time I got all my toes in AFTER having them bound by a Chinese man who happened to be in the store purchasing air freshener and a bocce ball set.
Disgusted, I gave up on the brown shoes, pulling out a pair of black ones who were made by . . . Thom McCann. I thought, different style of shoe, let’s try the 9.5 wide. I was able to dangle my foot inside as though I was soaking it in Epsom salt laced water, but not as though I were actually wearing the shoes to work. I didn’t even bother with the 10s, instead went right to the 11 wides. Viola, my feet have a new home from 8:30 – 6:30 every Monday through Friday.
On the way to the registers I grabbed some new socks because I was feeling capricious. I had the approximate cost in my head when I went through the check-out line so you can imagine my initial shock when the clerk said, “That will be $657.18.” She took my fainting as a sign she may have done something wrong and rang everything up again. I will admit the new total of “3 goats and a lock of pixie’s hair” was better, but I was all out of anything from a mythological being since that Joseph Campbell party a few weeks ago.
I was finally given a total I could pay although it still didn’t seem right. When I was finished I found a quiet spot to compare the receipt to the tag on the shoes and they had overcharged me by $5. I won’t go into my trip to the service desk as I think you’ve had enough of my gross hyperbole for one day. I mean, 500 words about me buying a pair of shoes? Who do I think I am?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Rick Santorum has dropped out of the presidential primary race.
We dodged a bullet,
had a close shave,
lost our religion,
almost ate tofu,
nearly watched an Adam Sandler movie,
came within a second of thermonuclear mutual assured destruction before the computer realized it was a game,
closed our eyes just before seeing Grandma naked,
it was close—too close,
almost bought a Smart Car,
nearly believed Arnold Schwarzenegger got that big without steroids,
came this close to believing the Jerry Springer show was for real,
took a wild ride,
stepped in dog shit and had trouble cleaning it all off of our shoes,
zigged when we should have zagged,
ducked when we should have covered,
used the flim flam when we should have boogie woogied,
and last but not least,
actually listened to the putrescence that spewed from Santorum’s mouth and made the informed decision to vote for him
Rick Santorum has a college degree but tells others they shouldn’t go.
Rick Santorum once got an email from a friend whose boss was sleeping with his wife, asking for advice. Rick forwarded the email to the boss so the friend got fired and the scandal could remain hidden “for the good of the republican party”.
Rick Santorum doesn’t just think people shouldn’t use contraception, he believes they shouldn’t be PERMITTED to use it, by law.
Rick Santorum says there are no Palestinians. I’m pretty sure the Palestinians would dispute that.
When the Congressional Budget Office came out with numbers that said the Affordable Care Act would actually cost slightly less than previously reported, Rick Santorum gave a speech that night where he lied and said it would not cost twice as much as originally thought.
Why did anyone vote for this man?